Everyone Seems to Be
I check on Facebook these days and it’s either news of another baby being born to a couple I knew from high school, or great news about another old classmate’s complete success of a life.
It’s like everyone is making their lives. They have some sort of direction, some sort of goal to accomplish, something or someone to succeed for.
Where am I going?
What do I even want to do? I feel like I’m riding this boat without a destination, like I just jumped on board because it looked like an adventure. But I’m lost. What am I going to do in the future? Everything comes up so quickly, and it’s hard to know.
I’ve lost my music major, joined a fraternity that keeps me busy, discovered a benign tumor in my head, awakened serious hypochondriac fears among my usual stressors, and felt like a horrible person for not being content with my choices.
I’m doing nothing of importance. What do I want? How do I figure that out? Something English related, but then what? What else? There’s more to life than work and friends and empty successes, right? I want something great for myself, but I’m not at the emotional, physical, or mental capability I feel like I should be for a great awakening to happen.
I guess I want some sort of spiritual change. But I want something concrete too. I want to write, compose, or gain a rank. Something to show the world “Look at me! I’ve got my life together!”
How do I do this?
I’ve got all these nervous feelings inside of me. I don’t like it. I don’t want to die. Or be pregnant. Or have stomach problems because of my meds because of the tumor in my head. I always have to remind myself to say benign before tumor, but it feels very scary. What if it doesn’t go away? What then? No one has talked to me about this. And I’m worried about pregnancy, though I took a test and the chances of me being pregnant are super super slim. I just can’t stop stressing. I’m scared.
I feel so gross. And sad.
I binge too much. I cut today for the first in a while. And when he asked, I just said I fell. It’s so easy to lie to them, to him. He never really checks, not that I blame him. Who wants to hear that their girlfriend is cutting again?
I have all these confusing emotions in me. And it’s always up and down. I’m sad, then happy, then heartbroken, then depressed, then apathetic, then good, then stressed out of my mind, then fantastic, then hopeless.These emotions just rotate through me daily. It’s so hard to keep up.
I can’t relax. Not even around him. What’s wrong with me? How come I can’t get off with him? Am I really that freaked out by it? It’s not a big deal, but when the moment comes it scares me. I had a panic attack last time he tried. I felt so…
Gross. And sad.
Brief Ramblings on Music
What I like about is is how much bigger everything seems when you listen to it. Like there’s a greater purpose out there and everyone is in it for the same thing. There’s a connection between everything in the universe. We’re all in the same place for that moment. That moment is always too short.
It’s 6 am. Should I even bother sleeping?