I’ve got all these nervous feelings inside of me. I don’t like it. I don’t want to die. Or be pregnant. Or have stomach problems because of my meds because of the tumor in my head. I always have to remind myself to say benign before tumor, but it feels very scary. What if it doesn’t go away? What then? No one has talked to me about this. And I’m worried about pregnancy, though I took a test and the chances of me being pregnant are super super slim. I just can’t stop stressing. I’m scared.
I feel so gross. And sad.
I binge too much. I cut today for the first in a while. And when he asked, I just said I fell. It’s so easy to lie to them, to him. He never really checks, not that I blame him. Who wants to hear that their girlfriend is cutting again?
I have all these confusing emotions in me. And it’s always up and down. I’m sad, then happy, then heartbroken, then depressed, then apathetic, then good, then stressed out of my mind, then fantastic, then hopeless.These emotions just rotate through me daily. It’s so hard to keep up.
I can’t relax. Not even around him. What’s wrong with me? How come I can’t get off with him? Am I really that freaked out by it? It’s not a big deal, but when the moment comes it scares me. I had a panic attack last time he tried. I felt so…
Gross. And sad.
Brief Ramblings on Music
What I like about is is how much bigger everything seems when you listen to it. Like there’s a greater purpose out there and everyone is in it for the same thing. There’s a connection between everything in the universe. We’re all in the same place for that moment. That moment is always too short.
It’s 6 am. Should I even bother sleeping?
I don’t need anyone.
I don’t want to hurt this much.
Everything I do and everything I don’t do hurts so much…
Can it ever end?
I guess I’m broken? Or diseased. I don’t know. I’ve got “intimacy problems” apparently, but I shouldn’t worry because that’s “normal.” I should feel comforted but all I can think about sometimes is how I’m going to break his heart one day.
I don’t understand myself. There must be something wrong with me. Sometimes I can barely feel anything. I just feel numb. But I do it on purpose maybe, because I know that if I feel, it’ll hurt. I feel so empty..