Sometimes I feel so fucked up.
I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I’ve got a lot of issues pressing own on me that I just don’t think I can handle.
BED- thought it was mostly under control (I’d have episodes when things were really stressing me out, but no where as near as bad as high school). Now with my new job, I’ve been out of control. I really wanted to get fit this summer, and now all I do is hate myself every time I put another piece of fattening food in my mouth.
Self harm- I haven’t done this in a while (Okay, I haven’t cut in a while. I’ve definitely bruised and scratched though. but it’s not cutting, so that’s alright, right?) but the urge is getting stronger and stronger everyday. I help a razor a bought (it’s so pretty) and seriously debated doing it today. I don’t know what stopped me, but I didn’t. I’m a step closer to it now, though.
General anxiety- This job is putting me through so much stress. I can’t handle it. Combined with my current level of body-hate and lack of productivity, I can’t function. I keep snapping at my family. I’m a general grump and I am not accomplishing anything I wanted to. The summer is slipping by like always and I’m feeling powerless to fix myself.
Alcohol- Not a problem yet, but this is only because I don’t have access to it. I’m nervous for turning 21, because I see myself definitely at risk for using it as a coping method. Almost had a few shots (stolen from my parents cupboard) a few nights ago because of nerves about the job. Didn’t because I knew I had to drive later that night.
So, in conclusion, I’m fat, my stomach hurts, I’m stressed, I hate my job, I will probably hate my new one, I’m not accomplishing anything, I’m still fat, and I have to talk to people I don’t want to talk to on a daily basis.
I complain and linger in self-pity so much, it’s a wonder I can do anything.
I guess what I need is a new coping method. Any ideas?
Gotta Fix Me
I feel like my life’s a mess.
- clean room
- work and find another job
- get skinny and fit
- stop being defeatist
WHAT I WANT TO DO:
I’m so pathetic. I waste every day of my life. Every summer is another missed opportunity. It sucks. This sucks. I suck.
And all I do is whine and complain about it. I just want to sleep forever.
Everyone Seems to Be
I check on Facebook these days and it’s either news of another baby being born to a couple I knew from high school, or great news about another old classmate’s complete success of a life.
It’s like everyone is making their lives. They have some sort of direction, some sort of goal to accomplish, something or someone to succeed for.
Where am I going?
What do I even want to do? I feel like I’m riding this boat without a destination, like I just jumped on board because it looked like an adventure. But I’m lost. What am I going to do in the future? Everything comes up so quickly, and it’s hard to know.
I’ve lost my music major, joined a fraternity that keeps me busy, discovered a benign tumor in my head, awakened serious hypochondriac fears among my usual stressors, and felt like a horrible person for not being content with my choices.
I’m doing nothing of importance. What do I want? How do I figure that out? Something English related, but then what? What else? There’s more to life than work and friends and empty successes, right? I want something great for myself, but I’m not at the emotional, physical, or mental capability I feel like I should be for a great awakening to happen.
I guess I want some sort of spiritual change. But I want something concrete too. I want to write, compose, or gain a rank. Something to show the world “Look at me! I’ve got my life together!”
How do I do this?
I’ve got all these nervous feelings inside of me. I don’t like it. I don’t want to die. Or be pregnant. Or have stomach problems because of my meds because of the tumor in my head. I always have to remind myself to say benign before tumor, but it feels very scary. What if it doesn’t go away? What then? No one has talked to me about this. And I’m worried about pregnancy, though I took a test and the chances of me being pregnant are super super slim. I just can’t stop stressing. I’m scared.